SELF-TALK: anis and her assignments

It's been too long since my last post - I've missed writing (but not for assignments).

To tell you the truth, I'm writing again because I'm procrastinating from my studies and I really don't want to do my assignments right now. I am too stressed out.

Why?

1. I'm working part-time as an International Students' Officer at AUSA (Auckland University Students' Association) and currently busy organizing 5 events for Culture Week that's coming up in two weeks while also preparing for Semester 2 orientation, writing up a survey and planning for a national well-being social media campaign.
2. I have two assignments due on Culture Week in which they are both 2,500 words research report
3. I am part of a research group and is currently helping out an Honour's students with her research on materialistic values (I'm a final year Psych major by the way)
4. I haven't swam for a week so I haven't got the chance to fully relax myself after very long days at university
5. I haven't had a proper hang out with good friends for months as everybody is busy with assignments, work or club activities. 

I've been crying so much because of stress and many times I question my choices to be very involved in the University of Auckland community. I SIMPLY JUST DO TOO MUCH! Although I did pass over the UoA: meaningful confessions page to my team because scheduling depressing confessions and responding to people's queries are too emotionally taxing.

Don't get me wrong, I love every single bit about my job (except sometimes they give me soggy sandwiches), the research group and my major. However, I absolutely hate assessments and that's the MAJOR reason why I'm stressed out. From UPSR - PMR - SPM and A Levels, I have always been very stressed which is not always a bad thing. The stress did help drive me to obtain the scholarship I currently have but now that I'm only months away till graduation, do I still need to be this tensed about my education? I do remind myself that Malaysians are paying RM400,000 for my education (through their tax) so I am not really giving up - I just want to know whether getting lower than A- for my CGPA is acceptable.

Yeah, I know. High achiever problems. *eye roll*

I need some perspective. I know in my head that getting a B+ is not a bad thing but a little voice in me keeps telling me that it's not good enough. "I should be the best", it says. But why does being the best means getting good grades? For me, it's because that's how I've learned to define it and there was one point in my life where I believed that I am only as good as my grades are. Wait a minute. Was? I am still defined by my grades and I need more than just a few years to get myself out of this thought process. So let's stop trying to convince myself out of this belief, okay?

Instead I want to think about the things I can do to make things better.

Maybe I should shower before I study. I'll get too sleepy though

Have some dinner? I can't study with an empty stomach

Take a nap? Not really a good idea because I will get headaches.

Hide my phone away. Possible

SWIM! Yasssssssssss

Change my perspective on assessments. Hmm, please elaborate.

I am absolutely in love with Psychology, especially this semester. I learn about human development, romantic relationships and values which are all topics I love learning about. I enjoyed writing my latest essay despite getting low grades because I learned so many things about our values! Short summary: Intrinsic values - innate values that directly contributes to better well being such as family. Extrinsic values - values learned from social experiences that indirectly contributes to better well-being but directly deteriorates it such as money. 

Yeay I still remember! There's something you should know about me - I never remember anything I learned back in Malaysia and this is partly because I was pursuing good grades instead of knowledge. I am now truly happy with my new found ability to remember better as everything is so interesting to me. Come to think of it, I've never enjoyed education until I came to New Zealand. That means I can actually just perceive assignments as an opportunity to learn more about my favorite topics and at the same time develop my academic writing skills. Academic English is no one's first language anyway and the key to master it is practice, practice, practice through assignments! I love learning especially when I learn through teaching someone else. Seeing people's reactions as they learn more about their brain and mind gives me real satisfaction and happiness. 

I should do more. No, I want to do more. 

I want to learn more and I want to learn again. Not because of the grades but because I am a nerd and I love learning.

Now, let's start on that assignment.